Rescheduling

Around 4am the other day, I sent a NyQuil-fueled text to my dear friend Wendy in England. 

Thankful for the time difference, I essentially asked her permission to cancel a meeting I had hours later. I wrote,

I feel like hot garbage. I’m cloudy-headed and thinking it’s better to cancel now with advance warning than try to power thru. I should cancel, yeah?

At the time, my whole family was sick with COVID. 

We’re as vaccinated as we can be, and it passed uneventfully for Cole and Fe. Unfortunately, for me it was miserable and protracted. Fe had been home from daycare for 5 days, so the sleep and rest that I needed to recover was intermittent at best. (The misadventures are chronicled on Instagram.)

When I texted Wendy, I could barely form a coherent thought, let alone scope a fun new contract. Still, I hesitated to cancel. 

I wanted this client to trust they could count on me, to see me as sturdy when I felt anything but. 

Instead of allowing myself to rest and recover, I wanted to demand my body to improve so I could have this damn meeting. I wanted so badly to rally—to be seen as “good”, hard working, deserving. 

I tried to self-coach: 

You don’t believe in this, Leels. You don’t think people should have to work when they’re ill. 

You’re privileged to be in a financial and professional position that you don’t have to take this meeting today. Pushing through helps no one. 

When you do it unnecessarily, you’re reinforcing problematic expectations and a broken social system.

For years, I’ve said I’m striving to unlearn the Protestant work ethic, that very American ethos that tells us our value in the world is based on our productivity. 

And to top it all off, healthy boundaries and self-care are literally among the topics they want me to present on.

Still, even with all of this, I kept berating myself to just push through. 

It took texting Wendy at 4am to give myself the permission I needed to just be sick. 

Since I was pretty loopy from COVID and NyQuil, she proofread the email to my client. I explained that I was sick and wanted to ensure they had my full, clear-headed focus when we met. 

They were completely fine with it, and it was no big deal. We’re meeting later today.

Take care of you,

Lelia

PS You’re invited to a free 1-hour virtual event I’m hosting next week with Christa Talbott, and Salon22: Wrinkles, Botox(?), and Adventures in Aging Gracefully. It’s sure to be fascinating and hilarious. Would love to see you there!