What did I do wrong?
I recently forwarded an hourly gig to a friend whose partner had been looking for work.
She replied that her boo was trying to pick up more industry-specific gigs, which paid better. Her note contained gratitude, a warm tone, and two exclamation points.
My immediate reaction: to low-key panic, decide that I might’ve offended her, and apologize immediately.
Shall I mine every human interaction for what I might have done wrong? Yes, yes I shall.
Nonplussed, she assured me that this was a totally welcome suggestion and she knew I had her best interests at heart.
My bestie Laura Sanders describes this as, “guilt as the default emotion.” The term helps change a chorus of, “Something is wrong with meeeee,” into something much more palatable like, “This is a normal (if very shitty) human experience.”
Sometimes we all end up treading water, nose-deep in the swimming pool of our own self-doubt and guilt.
Other recent examples:
My client hasn’t signed the contract or replied to my email. I must’ve screwed up in some way and lost the gig.
My bestie hasn’t texted me back. Surely she’s reassessed every way I’ve wronged her over the years and has decided she now hates me.
My dermatologist called hours after my virtual program about Botox. Surely she found out about the program and is angry about my portrayal of events.
In real time, my client is waiting on another department to weigh in, my friend likely has shit going on, and my dermatologist was responding to my request for a new face lotion.
I get frequent reality checks, reminders that my worst fears about myself aren’t true.
Still, when I’m feeling insecure, I can get stuck in this loop of replaying every conceivable mistake I might’ve made.
It’s like I’m playing MTV’s The Blame Game on repeat, except I’m the only one standing trial. It’s always my fault!
When I shared my self-doubt with Laura, she said, “Oh boy, oh boy do I IDENTIFY with that feeling right now.”
We created a word to describe the conversation: schadenfriende. Adjacent to its German counterpart schadenfreude,
schad•en•friend•e (n) describes comfort we find when our friends struggle with the same shit we do.
Psychologist Kristin Neff describes “common humanity,” as an integral element of self-compassion. Essentially, we can be kinder to ourselves if we feel like our experience of the world is “normal.”
I’m not alone in my guilty conscience, so it feels less overwhelming.
Schadenfriende in action!
Much (sometimes guilt-stricken) love,
Lelia