You are Inadequate, Beloved. And That’s Ok.
September 14, 2021
Wow, y'all.
Many tears were shed in the Gowland Newton household today.
As I tried to work, my 2-year-old spent much of the morning at the bottom of the stairs sobbing things like, “I want my mama!” and “I need a hug, Mama!”
Cool, cool, cool. Perfectly balancing motherhood and a professional life. No heartstrings pulled. Nothing to see here.
...by which of course I mean I burst into tears myself.
The endless barrage of crises, decision fatigue, and ever-changing landscape have taken their toll.
Additionally, I’ve intermittently been plagued by the feeling that I’m not doing enough. Not for New Orleans, not for south Louisiana, not for racial injustice, not for abortion rights, not for climate change, not even for my sweet toddler as he tries to make sense of this moment.
In these spirals of self-doubt and heartbreak, I’ve found solace in a note a friend sent after attending the last Joy Infusion. The subject line was, “You Are Inadequate Story.”
In it, she recounted a time when she was going through tremendous hardship in her life: a divorce, supporting kiddos through that transition, family illness, a new job and more. At the time, she told her boyfriend she felt like she was falling short in all of her roles, that she was inadequate.
He replied, "You ARE inadequate."
Um, excuse me? Before she could reply, he explained:
“Anyone would be inadequate in this circumstance.”
She couldn’t possibly manage all of the emotions, logistics, and decisions the moment demanded of her – no one could. He encouraged her to do her best and realize it won’t ever feel adequate.
Reading her message while evacuated was the first time I’d really cried since we left New Orleans. A social worker I know would describe the catharsis as “an emotional orgasm.”
As my friend so beautifully articulated,
“Embracing my inadequacy relieved me of the burden of ‘failing’ – I wasn’t failing; I was surviving an impossible circumstance.”
There can be grace in claiming our imperfect humanity. In this moment, every single one of us is surviving impossible circumstances. Everyone is experiencing this moment of “too much.”
As I accept my inadequacy, I also recognize that we can do more than simply survive. We don’t have to just trudge around in the muck in a constant state of despair. We can actively seek out the moments of laughter, joy and connection in the midst of the chaos.
These Joy Infusion events help all of us (myself included) move through the complexity of this moment and find daily delights. I’m literally smiling as I type.
Personally, I know I’m a better caregiver, entrepreneur, partner, and activist when my cup is full, or – let’s be realistic – at least fuller. Joy and laughter are a potent concoction to refill my cup, and yours.
Want to join me? The last free Joy Infusion of 2021 is next Wednesday, September 22.
New Orleanians constantly find joy infusions and daily delights, particularly as we recover from a storm. I pulled over twice this week to bask in these delights:
A twister board used to cover a busted windshield
A snowman Christmas caroler drinking a beer in a beach chair (during a heatwave)
