Are You Mad at Me?
November 10, 2021
Recently, I felt nervous to spend time with one of my best friends. We hadn’t seen each other in over a month, and I felt disconnected.
Throughout the pandemic, she was among the people I’d seen most frequently, someone who I trusted with my deepest feelings and my COVID boundaries.
I was so excited for indoor, in-person interaction earlier this year that I created a calendar event called “Lick Sarah’s Eyeballs” to mark the day her vaccine kicked in.
After a summer of indoor quality time (no actual eyeball licking) and easeful connection, these last few weeks had felt strange and generally “off.”
I grieved our friendship as if it was in serious jeopardy, beating myself up for how it had changed. I told myself devastating stories about why she no longer wanted to spend time with me.
As we finally sat down together last week, I asked her what had been going on.
She told me, “I just assumed you got busy, but I also wondered if perhaps I’d done something to upset you.”
She thought I might be mad at her too!
We both cried with relief and connection. (By this I mean, her eyes got misty and I openly wept.)
And it's not just the two of us that’re out of sync.
Another friend received a text out of the blue from a friend. “Did I offend you?” he asked. Her immediate reaction was, “Wait, what? No.” Nothing was awry, they just hadn’t talked in a while.
I was curious about whether this was a pattern. 2 weeks ago, I reached out to colleagues—therapists and friends in healing professions to ask whether they were noticing what I was seeing:
Is this a more acute moment of distress or hardship?
These were their responses:
“Definitely”
“Yes, m’hmm. This is a time of grief, frustration.”
“Lots of people who’ve mostly been ok are barely hanging on right now.”
Therapist Kelly McIntosh noted:
Our brains would rather experience more intense suffering for a defined amount of time than less intense suffering for an unknown amount of time.
Kelly shared the impact, “It’s a devastating place for our nervous system to be: in chronic stress mode.”
The uncertain, ever-changing landscape we inhabit makes it difficult to stay oriented. Even if the current change is a happy one, like COVID cases falling and restrictions lifting, it’s yet another way we have to adapt.
As Kelly puts it, “We rely on structure and routines to support us in the rhythms of our lives.”
The flow of my friendship with Sarah is evolving as the world reopens and we all recalibrate (again). It had felt destabilizing to us both, and self-doubt crept in.
Our friendship is now in a sturdier place, and this week, I’m feeling far more optimistic than I have in months. I keep thinking of the lyrics to an Irish folk song, “It’ll be all right with the mist clears away.“
If you’re struggling to get your bearings or wondering whether a friend is upset with you, you’re not alone. Maybe reach out? There's a good chance they’re feeling the exact same way.
