Let’s Boycott “How Are You?”

November 18, 2021

Do you totally panic these days when someone asks, “How are you?”

Personally, I find it especially tough with strangers, acquaintances, and also dear friends I haven’t seen in a while.

Ok, so everyone.

I wonder, “How much truth should I tell? Which part?”

At a wedding last month, I ran into a beloved friend I’d hardly seen during the pandemic.

She asked me how I’d been doing, and I genuinely struggled to reply. We’re friends that don’t BS one another, and I’d been crying a lot in the weeks prior.

Still, was this wedding a time for Real Conversation?

I went with a version of my standard reply: I share that life is legit hard right now and acknowledge something tangible about how I’m doing in this moment.

I said, “I’m pretty medium. Life is a lot right now, and some moments are better than others. In this moment, I’m good. They had 3 different kinds of potatoes on the buffet, which makes me feel very cared for.”

(The potatoes were pretty situation-specific, but the rest is broadly applicable.)

When I asked my friend, “How are you in this moment?,” her face brightened immediately. “I’m so glad to be here, seeing everyone,” she told me.

Shortly after, she shared that she’d been diagnosed with a serious medical condition during COVID. Only her partner and a handful of people knew, and it was a lot to navigate deciding who to tell what to when.

My question about how she was doing in this moment helped her give an authentic answer, one unmired by her diagnosis. It also made her appreciate the festivities even more.

Regardless of your specific circumstances, the questions “How are you?” and “How’ve you been?” can feel like A LOT.

Rather than defaulting to these should-be-easy-but-feel-impossible queries, trying asking, “How are you in this moment?” ​or starting your own reply with, “In this moment…“

As life continues to feel like chaos on a stick, focusing on what's happening right now can feel like such an act of compassion.

So, how are you in this moment, m’love? Have any favorite alternative questions to share? I’d love to hear them.