How To Help A Friend In Crisis
Here’s an essay about how to help a friend who’s in crisis. I also include texting templates to make it easy to support a friend who’s hurting.
How To Offer Help To A Friend
After we picked up the ashes of her recently deceased cat, my best friend Sarah and I spent the day together.
My instinct was to be particularly affectionate and attentive to her as she grieved her beloved pet. When I hugged her in the checkout line at Whole Foods, she remarked how much she appreciated the physical support.
This feeling was familiar and mutual. A few days prior, I’d hosted an event that felt like a total bust. Afterward, Sarah essentially showed up at my door with cookies and hugged me on the couch while I talked through my sadness and frustrations.
Sarah and I communicate most days and see each other often. In both instances, it was pretty effortless for us to know how to support one another.
It’s not always that easy.
What To Say When Someone Receives Bad News
What do we do when a friend is hurting and we’re not sure what to say, or we can’t be there physically?
Last year, my mom was suddenly hospitalized and very, very sick. She’s fully recovered now, but it was hands-down the scariest experience of my life.
In addition to all the medical decisions I needed to make on her behalf, there was a LOT of communication. At the height of it, it felt like I got a text every 5-10 minutes from a loved one asking, “How’re you? How’s your mom? Do you need anything?”
I wanted to answer all three questions the same way: “I don’t know!” At the time, I laughed with Cole, “If it ends in a question mark, I want no part of it.”
Of course, I took no offense. Our friends’ intention in asking those questions was clear, to provide support and demonstrate care. I’m sure I’ve said the same things in their position.
Here’s the reality: when we’re in a state of trauma, drama, or crisis, it can be difficult to make decisions and manage correspondence. It can be challenging to even recognize our needs, let alone name them.
How To Help A Friend In Crisis
Let’s identify tangible ways we can support loved ones in crisis without adding to their stress.
Based on my experience on both sides of the equation and research into the grieving process, I’ve created a handy guide. Below is exactly what I now say when someone I care about is hurting.
I’ve used this language with beloved humans in my life who were navigating miscarriage, divorce, or simply the utter chaos that is being a human these days.
I hope these tools are helpful to you and your loved ones.
How To Help A Friend Struggling With Mental Health
When a loved one is struggling with more ongoing pain, like navigating ongoing depression, anxiety, or chronic physical illness, offering support can be just as important as in the more acute situations. The language below can offer a tender check-in.
Empathy Statements For Friends
If you’re struggling to support a friend who’s hurting, here are some great text templates to use.
Spacious check-in:
“How are you in this moment? I find words can be hard at times like these, so feel free to reply with emojis, GIFs, or not at all. Just know I’m thinking of you and here if you wanna talk.”
Note: I became a big fan of the shrug emoji when my mom was sick.
Quick giggle:
[Attachment: silly image]
“Thinking of you and hoping this [description of silly image] gives you a smile. No need to reply.”
This is a great one if you don’t have capacity to provide support but want them to know you’re thinking of them.
Specific offer of support:
“Since “What can I do?” can be a lot to answer, I’ve made it multiple choice (feel free to pick multiple 😉). What would be most helpful right now?”
[Select 3-5 options and number them to make it super easy on the recipient.]
Logistics
1. Grocery or meal delivery
2. Child or pet sitting (with me or a favorite sitter)
3. Research
4. Coordinating correspondence
TLC/Entertainment
5. Hugs
6. A walk or coffee date
7. Trashy magazines
8. TV recommendations
9. GIFs and pics of unexpected animal friendships
Spaciousness (include this with the others you pick)
10. Other
11. Nothing right now
12. This question is too hard. Ask me another time.
A friend offered to research care options when my mom was sick. While I didn’t take her up on it, it felt like a great big euphoric breath of fresh air when I read that she was willing to.
Love note:
“I love you as much as I love waffles, comprehensive sex education, and costuming (which is to say a lot). I’m in your corner. No reply needed.”
You’ll probably wanna personalize this. Keep it silly and light with (perhaps) one slightly more serious one. I’ve occasionally subbed voting rights for sex ed.
When We’re The Friend Who Needs Help
Lastly, here’s how it landed for me on the other side, when I was as a recipient of support
Back when my mom was sick, it was the scariest thing that’d ever happened to me. Her care consumed every ounce of my focus, time, and capacity.
My mom and I are fortunate to have a great big network of people who love us. That also left a lot of correspondence.
At the height of it, it felt like we got a text every 5-10 minutes from our friends or family asking, “How’re you? How’s your mom? Do you need anything? ”
I wanted to answer all three questions the same, “I don’t know!”
Our loved ones’ intention in asking those questions was to provide support and demonstrate care. I’ve had the same instinct when the roles were reversed.
But every time someone asked me, it felt like an overwhelming reminder of the chaos I was trying to navigate.
I lovingly told my friends to please stop asking how we were doing. Instead, I requested silly memes or pictures of animals eating people food.
As one friend said, “This is so helpful, especially because asking questions is one of the ways I show care. Thank you for being so clear in how I can support you.”
Whether we’re offering or receiving support, clear and tangible offers or requests for help can go a long way.
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Life *gestures everywhere* is a lot these days. I use authentic vulnerability to share my experience, so we all feel less alone.
At its heart, my writing is about changing our inner voices from critical to compassionate. And who doesn’t want that?
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