How To Deal With Setbacks And Failures
Here’s a wild story about my own struggle to bounce back from a career setback. In this actionable post, I share what I wish I’d known about being valued at work as well tips for how to deal with setbacks at work.
How To Deal With Setbacks And Failures
A few years ago, I found myself in a career defining moment…that totally fizzled.
It started when I scored a press pass to attend a posh conference. As part of my coverage for Forbes, I interviewed someone who leads an inspiring project for a famous visionary and bazillionare. We hit it off.
After the interview, she asked me to come speak at an exclusive summit where her team led powerful conversations among executives at Big Impressive Companies.
I tried not to visibly salivate when she extended the invitation.
Leaving the conference, I was giddy about this life changing opportunity.
But, within a few days, it began to unravel.
As I started to plan my trip, I asked about compensation. (This was early in my career. I now talk about money at the beginning of the process to ensure we’re in alignment.)
It turns out, this was an unpaid opportunity, and they hadn’t planned to pay for my travel or accommodations. They seemed offended that I asked, as though “exposure” would pay my airfare.
It would’ve been a stretch financially, but I could’ve made it work. My boyfriend at the time even offered to use his frequent flier miles to get me there. Still, I realized it wasn’t just about the money.
The more questions I asked, the more fluid my role at this summit became. I started to worry that I wouldn’t be able to prepare properly, that I’d be put on the spot and make an ass of myself in front of so many Big Important People.
It became clear that I wasn’t going to be set up for success, so I turned down the offer.
How To Deal With Career Setbacks
I was utterly devastated, and the initial sting was sharp.
I berated myself for the innumerable ways I “should have handled that better.” I thought of how foolish I must’ve looked expecting compensation – it was an honor just to be invited! I felt embarrassed and wondered if I’d made a terrible mistake.
Instead of it being a singular setback, I let the experience feel like a referendum on my capacity as an entrepreneur, on who I was as a person.
But rather than sitting in shame, I shared the experience vulnerably with people I trusted. I talked with my therapist about how the experience activated my insecurities as a young professional who still felt like she was wearing a Grown Up Business Lady Disguise.
I shared how embarrassed I felt with my partners and cried to friends about how devastated I was about the lost promise of the gig.
While I didn’t realize it at the time, with each conversation, the intensity of emotion dissipated.
And then, over time, I forgot about the experience completely.
Being Valued At Work
This story came back to mind recently when a dear friend described a similar experience.
She was starstruck and thrilled when a prestigious company wanted to work with her.
The project wasn’t well defined.
They balked at her rates and expectations.
She politely turned down the project, feeling devastated as she did.
The range of emotions she’d felt aligned perfectly with my experience.
Excitement gave way to apprehension, which led to disappointment and self-doubt.
As she recounted the story over cinnamon buns, I felt rage on her behalf. It took all of my self-control not to scream, “They don’t deserve you!” much to the confusion of other brunch-goers.
This situation isn’t limited to entrepreneurs.
Later that same night, another friend shared a similar experience. She was thrilled to receive a job offer at a company she was excited about, but when she attempted to negotiate her compensation, they rescinded her offer.
Crestfallen, she wondered what to do. Grovel and accept a lower rate than she thought was fair? Accept it and move on?
Here’s what I told her:
Even if it’s wrenching at the time, you probably don’t want to work with a company that — in their first interaction — doesn’t demonstrate respect for your time, value, or autonomy.
Pros And Cons Of Authenticity In The Workplace
Adapting Maya Angelou, when a company first shows you who they are, believe them.
Unlike my friends’ situations, I don’t think the fancy summit leaders were trying to take advantage of me. They gathered speakers and attendees with unfathomable wealth. They could host summits to share ideas where no money needed to be exchanged because for their typical speakers and attendees, money was a non-issue.
Their default was exclusive, both based on invitation and income bracket. It leaves me with a sick feeling about whose voices don’t get heard in rooms like that.
While I couldn't clearly articulate everything that felt "off" at the time, I knew their approach was out of alignment for both my values and expectations.
Now, as a speaker and writer who focuses on authenticity in the workplace, I wonder whether I could’ve been my authentic self in that setting.
Consulting firm PWC, the artist formerly known as PriceWaterhouseCoopers, released a 2022 study that identified 5 factors that prompted people to leave their jobs during the “Great Resignation.”
They surveyed 52,000 people and focused on employees who said they’re extremely or very likely to look for another job (I’ll call them Job Seekers) who they compared to people who are extremely or very un-likely to look for another job (I’ll call them Job Keepers)
As compared to Job Seekers, Job Keepers were 11 percentage points more likely to say they “felt they could be their true self at work.”
While a speaking engagement impacts my life far less than a full-time role would, I still want to work with clients who want me to be myself.
The big summit’s decision not to pay speakers seemed out of alignment with the very values the organization espoused. The more I think about it, the more elitist it feels.
In retrospect, I doubt I could’ve been my true self there. With distance, I’m far more confident in my decision.
How To Deal With Setbacks At Work
Psychologist Kristen Neff researches self-compassion. One of the key elements of being kind to ourselves, she says, is a sense of “common humanity.” It’s easy to feel isolated in our experiences.
Talking about our setbacks at work sharing our experiences allows us to see we’re not alone.
When I finally decided to turn down the invitation, my immediate emotions were deep grief and self-doubt. It was like I’d imagined an amazing life for myself based on this opportunity, the Sliding Doors version of my career, and I’d just slammed the door in my own face.
I wish I could go back and tell myself, “You won’t even remember this happened. You’ll be fine!”
While our situations weren’t identical, if I could’ve shared my friends’ experiences with Past Lelia, she would’ve felt better. Past Lelia would’ve been pissed on their behalves, and she would have felt less alone.
Setbacks and unexpected turns are inevitable in our professional lives. Sharing them with trusted people in your life can help you move through them with greater comfort and ease.
Oh, and loving reminder if you find yourself in a similar situation to mine or my friends: Maybe you didn’t f*** up. Maybe they don’t deserve you. Maybe they're not in alignment with your values.