Name Your Needs

May 26, 2021

In late April, my mom suffered a minor stroke and a host of other scary ailments that required me to become her full-time caregiver for several weeks.

Fortunately, we’re expecting a full recovery.

While we now have clarity about the root cause of her ailments and tremendous hope, those first few weeks were filled with terrifying uncertainty and responsibility.

Mom came home from the hospital with 17(!) different medications and 30 pages of instructions filled with medical jargon.

Contradictory details made it seem like if she drank too much water (or not enough!), she would definitely die.

It was a lot, y’all.

In addition to her care, there was also just an exhausting amount of correspondence to manage.

At the height of it, it felt like we got a text every 5-10 minutes from our friends or family asking, “How’re you? How’s your mom? Do you need anything? ” 

I wanted to answer all three questions the same, “I don’t know!”

Our loved ones’ intention in asking those questions was to provide support and demonstrate care. I’d have had the same instinct if the roles were reversed.

But every time someone asked me, it felt like an overwhelming reminder of the chaos I was trying to navigate.

The questions reinforced my unrealistic sense of responsibility to keep everyone clear about the confusing, ever-changing diagnosis — all while talking to doctors, solo supporting Mom in the hospital, and navigating my own emotions.

It just wasn’t possible.

I reached a significant turning point when I remembered what I coach my clients:

Name your needs.

 I asked a few key people to be my point of contact who could funnel updates to our family, Mom’s friends, and her colleagues through a few key people.

I lovingly told my friends to please stop asking how we were doing. Instead, I requested silly memes or pictures of animals eating people food. 

As one friend said, “This is so helpful, especially because asking questions is one of the ways I show care. Thank you for being so clear in how I can support you.”

Her comment helped me realize something significant: 

Naming our needs is a service to everyone around us.

Our family and friends desperately wanted to help. 

Giving them a tangible way to provide support had two benefits. First, I made it easier for them to show up for my mom and me in a way that was helpful. 

Second, I felt significantly less overwhelmed. (See below for some of the treasures that resulted from my request.)

 You’ve heard me say it before…hell I’ve heard me say it a million times, but even for me it’s a powerful practice, one that takes consistent energy and effort: 

Name your needs, my loves.