Stop Going to the Hardware Store for Milk

November 23, 2021

The second oldest locksmith shop in the country is here in New Orleans.

Rault's is essentially a doorknob museum and very specific hardware store.

The few times I’ve been in there, they seem feisty as hell and like they absolutely know their shit.

Now, I want you to imagine that I stroll into Rault’s and politely ask if they have milk. When they look at me confused and say no, I become visibly distressed and leave disappointed.

I keep trying week after week, assuming that eventually they’ll have what I need.

I pop in again this week, as the holiday season really picks up. They’re busy. There’s a lot going on. When they tell me no, I start to weep,

“I’m so angry and sad that you don’t have milk!!!!”

By now, this routine has become frustrating and quite awkward for all parties.

They claim, “Ma’am, we’ve been around since 1845, and we’ve never carried milk. We’ve told you again and again: we’re a locksmith shop.”

This is how it can feel to interact with our families and loved ones.

Many of us seek approval, connection, or support from someone who consistently disappoints us.

Certainly, there are friends and family members who provide some or all of the above. And then there are those who, well, don’t.

Yet we struggle to accept that they simply don’t have or aren’t able to give us what we need.

We go in thinking, “Surely this time will be different,” trying again and again to coax or coerce it out of them.

Stop going to the hardware store for milk.

I saw this adage years ago, at a time in my life when I desperately needed it.

This isn’t to say that the hardware store is a bad place to be—it's simply accepting that it doesn't have milk.

When you’re focused on what’s missing, it’s much harder to appreciate what’s there.

Maybe your mom isn’t the most warm and loving, but she is an incredible sounding board and strategist. If you don’t expect her to be all warm and snuggly, how lovely will it be to get to embrace the kind of support she does provide?

The holidays can intensify the desire for things to be different, the instinct toward how our relationships “should” be.

But the picture perfect holiday card isn’t real. It never was.

The hardware store analogy can help you to recognize not just where you can’t get milk, but to think about where you can. Who else should be in your holiday card?

This is a great time of year to recognize our families of choice: our colleagues, besties and all the people who love and support us. No one person is expected to provide all the connection, thought partnership, and emotional support we crave.

I like to imagine we get to create our own little boutique shopping district, comprised of all the people we love, who together, can meet our needs.

Maybe it’s time to embrace that this hardware store will never have milk, but they've got doorknobs for days and a surprisingly adorable humpty dumpty figurine you didn’t even know you needed.

And right next door is a café that definitely has milk.

Additional note:

Maybe your hardware store used to have a little convenience store section and carry milk, but now they don’t (probably supply chain issues).

When someone you’ve counted on in the past is no longer available to you in that same way, it can feel disorienting and tough to accept. You hope things will change, but there can be grace in accepting that, right now at least, they just don’t have any milk.

Maybe they started to carry something new, like the the lion lock below.

Vulnerability, Emotional IntelligenceLelia GowlandNovember 23, 2021