Competition In Female Friendships
As I was waiting in a comically long line for an overpriced airport pretzel, my phone lit up with a flurry of joyful texts.
One text thread that lit up was with a friend who’d just been surprised to receive the highest honor in her industry. I was ecstatic for her. And personally, it felt amazing to be someone she wanted to text in celebration.
My friend Anya Groner says, “I take my friends’ successes personally.”
I love that. From Cinderella to Mean Girls, much of the media I consumed growing up pitted women against one another.
As an adult, though, what I’ve seen again and again is that — regardless of gender — when my friends thrive, it buoys my spirits.
In my healthiest friendships, it feels like inspiration, not competition.
And it legit makes me feel cool that they want to be my friend!
(See shine theory.)
The other text thread was a different kind of celebration. A friend wrote:
And proud I was! But, I would have chosen slightly different phrasing. The language that’s most resonant for me is:
I’m proud with you.
To my ear, this feels less paternalistic than “I’m proud of you” but still conveys that sense of celebration and appreciation for my friend's achievement.
Let’s be clear. While the second friend’s accomplishment didn’t come with fanfare or an award, the milestone felt just as important to celebrate.
I want to connect deeply with my friends in those more personal moments when we summon our bravery to initiate a difficult conversation, take a professional risk, or set healthy boundaries.
I want to celebrate the hell out of those moments too.
Cheers to cheering one another on,
Lelia
PS What’s a professional win or personal milestone you’d like to share? I’d love to hear from you.
Hilarious update:
My friend Marta called while I was writing this newsletter and gushed that she’d just led a wildly successful meeting for work. Hell. Yes.
I told her about a big new project that I’m excited about (and intimidates the out of me).
We celebrated both appropriately.
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Life *gestures everywhere* is a lot these days. I use authentic vulnerability to share my experience, so we all feel less alone.
At its heart, my writing is about changing our inner voices from critical to compassionate. And who doesn’t want that?
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